Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Jack on Slang

Age 8:

Jack: Where's Dad?
Me: He's in the bathroom.
Jack: Oh. Is he taking a leak?
Me: Um, yeah...He's taking a leak.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Jack on Rated X Movies

Age 8:

Jack: Have you ever seen a rated X movie?
Jay: Yes.
Jack: Which was your favorite one? What was it called?
Jay: Uh... Um...
Jack: How do you get your hands on a rated X movie?
Me: Do you know what a rated X movie is?
Jack: Not exactly.
Me: Remember when we talked about how babies are made?
Jack: Yes.
Me: A rated X movie is when people are having sex and they tape it so other people can watch.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Jack on BBQ Sauce

Age 8:

One night we were eating dinner and Jack had some BBQ sauce on his face.   I gave him a napkin to wipe it off and after he wiped his face, he looked up and said, "Did that do it justice?"

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Jack on X-Ray Success

Age 8:

We recently switched dentists and at the new location, each new patient takes a full head x-ray.  You stand there very still while the x-ray goes around your head.  

Jack must have been moving around too much during his x-ray because we were talking about the experience and Jack said, "The first time I failed.  The second time, I nailed it."

Friday, July 27, 2012

Jack on Facial Hair Options

Age 8:

For the last few summers, when Jay is not at school, he's grown out his beard.  He usually starts with a full beard, and then shaves it down to a goatee.  We started to discuss what Jay was going to do next with his facial hair and Jack chimed in, "You should keep the Fu Man Chu in mind."

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Jack on Juicers

Age 8:

"Why do people use juicers these days anyways? It's much cheaper to buy orange juice.  Besides, the nutrients are in the pulp, man!"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Jack on Being a Child

Age 8:

"Do you know what it's like to be a child? Of course you don't.  You were born to be an adult."

Monday, July 23, 2012

Jack on Conditional Affection

Age 8:

Me: Jack, come here and give me a hug.
Jack: I'm running a tight shift... not sure I can fit it into my schedule.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Jack on Legoland

Age 8:

A while back we were driving home from Wisconsin and passed Legoland.  It wasn't a Legoland amusement park, but rather one of their activity centers/stores.

Jack: Oh Legoland! Can we stop there?
Me: You don't want to stop there.  That's the lame Legoland.
Jack: (pause)...I had my birthday party there once.
Me: Oh, yeah...sorry.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Jack on Gatorade

Age 8:

I think Jack has been watching a bit too much James Bond.  Tonight he told us, "I like my Gatorade shaken, not stirred."

Jack on Charming the Ladies

Age 8:

Megan and the babysitter wanted to watch Twilight and I chimed in to get Jack on board with their plan, "Jack, there are a lot of hot chicks in the Twilight movies."  He got up from his seat, sauntered over to me, put his arm around my waist and said, "Who needs that when we've got all I need right here wrapped up in this nice package."

Friday, July 20, 2012

Jack on the Rules of Shotgun

Age 8:

Megan and Jack constantly fight over who will get shotgun in the car. 

***Mom note: For those of you parents out there that are thinking, Wait... Jack is 8.  Isn't it illegal for him to sit shotgun? please ignore the rest of this post and just imagine me going out to my mailbox to get my Mother-of-the-Year award from the mail.  I'm sure it's on its way...any day now...

Aaaannnyyways, as I was saying, Megan and Jack are constantly fighting over who will get to sit shotgun in the car for local trips.

***Mom note:  See how I just did that? I threw in "local trips" in order to minimize the Mommy Guilt  I feel at anyone who is judging me.

The other day after Jack's annual physical, where he was shown to be tall, and large for his age...

***Mom note: See how I just did that again? He's basically the size of a 6th grader who, for the record, would totally be legal to sit shotgun... God, I HATE Mommy Guilt.

...they were totally arguing about who should get to sit shotgun (again) and Jack threw this logic at her, "Megan, I took my physical like a man so I should get shotgun."

Well played young man, well played.

Jack on Air Band and Lip Sync

Age 8:

This was when we were eating dinner the other night.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Jack on Common Decency

Age 8:

At the swim meet there were people sitting behind Jack that kept bumping into him.  I didn't really notice until he asked me if we could move down a few rows in the bleachers.  After we moved, Jack leaned over and explained, "They were so annoying. In the name of common decency! Just sit somewhere else!"

Jack on the Bell Man

Age 8:

Jack regarding the bell man at our hotel- "There is one thing about the guy helping with our luggage that is annoying me.  He keeps calling me Pal."

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Jack on Money

Age 8:

Jack had a very lucky day.  We were walking into a swim meet and he happened to find $16 laying on the ground in the parking lot. He was so excited it was like he won a mini-lottery.  As we walked to the meet he turned to me and said, "If I found the guy who lost that money, I'd tell him, 'Nice precision drop!'"

But just as quickly as Jack found the money, he wanted to spend it. He was trying to convince Jay to take him to GameStop because the money was burning a whole in his pocket. He was pretty worked up and at one point, with fists clenched, he called out, "I found 15 dollars and the suspense is FULFILLING ME!" We started laughing and explained to him that the actual phrase is "killing me" not, "fulfilling me".

In a last ditch effort to get Jack to do something productive with the money, I leaned over to him at church and whispered, "You know, you could donate that money." He said no and I tried to guilt him into it.  "Wow.  That's pretty selfish."  He was not deterred. He leaned over and whispered, "What? I'm just trying to get a good financial start."

Jack on Rules for Life

Age 8:

Jack's Rules of Life are as follows:
1) Don't judge me.
2) Never trust a guy with a monocle.
3) Before you go to bed, you never really should want to count sheep.  Just get out a shaver and then you have a wool blanket.
4) Never take Megan's advice...it just ends in catastrophe.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Jack on the Space Program

Age 8:

The kids were having discussion about life on another planet. 
Jack: Megan, do you believe in aliens?
Megan: Not the I-come-in-peace kind of aliens but think it could be possible that there is life on other planets.

Then the conversation shifted on *how* they would get to the other planets.

Jack: There would have to be a lot more women astronauts because it would take like 80 lifetimes to get there. Me: So are you saying you just need women to keep the population up?? 
Jack: Pretty much.

Jack on Gonzo

Age 5:

"Gonzo from the Muppets is a woodpecker but his pecker got bended."

Monday, July 16, 2012

Jack on World Peace

Age 7:

"Mom, you know what I've learned later in my life? It's stupid not to wish for world peace."

Jack on How to Act Innocent

Age 5:

One day Jack was taking a bath and he called out to me, "What is this thing?".

I walked closer to the tub to see what Jack was talking about. He pointed at a brownish item floating in the tub. It wasn't much bigger than a kidney bean.

"What is that?" I inspected it a bit closer. "Is that...poop???"

"I didn't do it. It's not my poop." Jack said a bit too quickly.

"Well then, where did it come from?"

Jack looked up at me innocently and said, "I don't know. Isn't that weird? Poop that came from nowhere???"

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Jack on Being a Doctor

Age 7:

I took Jack to the doctor for his annual physical. 

Doctor: Okay, we are just about done but I do need to check your testicles. 
Me (to Jack): Do you know what testicles are? 
Jack: No. 
Me: They are your nuts. 
Jack: Oooh. 
Doctor: Yeah, I need to make sure your nuts are in your nut sack. 
(Then, after Doctor was done) Jack: Is that the worst part of your job?

Jack on Why We Have Our Hearts

Age 4:

One day Jack looked at the bone in his ankle and asked, "What is this bone?"

"It's your ankle bone." I replied.

Jack thought for a moment and asked, "Momma, does God make all the bones in our bodies?"

"Yes he does."

"And your skins, and your brains and your guts too?"

"Yes. Those too."

He sat up and looked me in the eye and said, "I think God makes our hearts so we can all love each other."

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Jack on Being a Good Friend

Age 8:

Since Jay already works at the high school where Jack will go, Jack already knows his way around. I commented to Jack that when he starts high school, he could show his friends around. And then I joked that maybe he should charge them for his services. Jack seemed to like that ideas and said, "Like I always say, to be a good friend you should always have ten or twenty bucks in your pocket." I looked at him and said,"You always say that?" Jack responded, "Actually, I never say that."

Jack on Delivering Bad News

Age 4:

"Megan, I have some bad news. Your friend moved to Texas, and I got a bad toy at McDonald's."

Friday, July 13, 2012

Jack on Web Development

Age 8:

I was talking with a co-worker today and Jack overheard my discussion.
Jack: Mom, you know when you said your website changes were going to beta?
Me: Yes.
Jack: What does that mean?
Me: Well, it means we are making some changes to our website but we are putting them in a testing area first.
Jack: Oh... When are they going to alpha?

Jack on His Conscience

Age 4:

One night at dinner, Jack and I had a bit of a side conversation. He looked very pensive for a moment and said, "Momma, what's a con... a con... um, a con-shirts?"

"A what?" I asked.
"A um con-shirts. I mean a con-shints."
"Oh! Do you mean a conscience?"
He nodded vigorously. "Yes! That's it- a conscience. What is that?"

"Well, it's that little voice inside you that tells you right from wrong." I said.

Jack thought for a moment and then said, "I closed my eyes and my eyeballs looked everywhere inside my body and all I saw was guts and food. I didn't see any conscience."

I giggled a bit at that. "Everyone has a conscience. It's just that sometimes people might not listen to it as much as they should."

Jack decided to elaborate a bit on that thought. "Yeah, you have to listen to it. Like if you are mean a lot your conscience will say 'stop stop stop stop stop stop stop'. My conscience is like a little person."

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Jack on Medieval Times

Age 8:

Driving home from our lake house and passed Medieval Times.

Jack: How about we stop at Medieval Times...cool off...eat with our hands.

Jack on Being Faster Than a Tractor

Age 4:

One day, Jack had a dinner meltdown. As punishment, he was grounded and stuck in the house (as grounded as a 4 year-old can get although he told me later he thought grounding was when kids were put underground) until he apologized to his dad for his behavior at dinner. But when Jack finally decided he wanted to apologize, Jay was out on the riding mower, cutting our lawn. Jack was trying to convince me it would be a good idea to run to the tractor while Jay was cutting the lawn.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Jack on Well, We Aren't Quite Sure

Age 8:

Jack: Don't bother me right now.  I'm striving for accuracy.
Jay: What does that even mean?
Jack: I have no idea.

Jack on What's Annoying

Age 8:

Megan happened to be talking about vampires when Jack chimed in.
Jack: You know what's really annoying? When some of the kids on the bus keep saying "suck my balls" to each other.
Jay: How did this even come up?
Jack: Because Megan said, "suck my blood" and so I thought...
Me: So naturally that made you think of "suck my balls"????
Jack: Mom, I can't believe you even went there.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Jack on Tubing

Age 8:

Jack didn't want to go tubing.
Megan: Why not?
Jack: I used to be more adventurous and then a little something happened to me called "puberty".

Jack on Swim Lessons

Age 8:

"If you make me take swim lessons, you will ruin my social life."

Monday, July 9, 2012

Jack on Ghosts

Age 8:

"Don't go to their final resting place.  Because oftenly, they try to kill you.  But sometimes they give you warnings.  Like let's say someone died here, in this room, and I walk under the chandelier, it might just fall."

And this will show you how used to Jack's running thoughts we are...Jay's response?  "Oftenly isn't a word."

Jack on How to Torture a Sister

Age 8:

"Your room looks like someone took a bucket of crap and threw it on the floor.  Also, I took the time to sit on your pillow...So have a nice night!"

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Jack on Diplomatic Immunity

Age 8:

Jack's dinner question: If I go to England w/ diplomatic immunity but commit high treason against the crown, is my diplomatic immunity gone?

Jack on Mrs. Fields

Age 8:

Jack: What's the brand of this cookie?
Me: Mrs. Fields.
Jack: I'm gonna have to pay her a visit!

Jack on Surviving

Age 4:

Jack as he rode by on his scooter: "Momma, did you know survive means to last until you get killed?" Hmmm..

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Jack on Understanding Current Events

Age 8:

 Me: I'm reading a really good book...
Jack(looking up from his Nintendo): Is it Fifty Shades of Grey?

***Mom note: For the record, I was referring to the Immortal Life of Hennrietta Lacks.

Jack on Inside Voices

Age 4:

Jack: When are you going to be done on the computer? 
Megan: When I feel like I'm done. 
Jack: When are you going to be done? 
Meg: When I feel like I'm done. 
Jack: When are you going to be done? 
Megan: When I feel like I'm done. 
Jack: When are you going to be done? 
Jack: Yelling in the house? That's only appropriate for outside!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Jack on Nature Calling

Age 8:

 I need to wiz like a wizard.

Jack on Getting Married

Age 5:

Jack had himself a little crush. Although his explanation was extremely simple, it was right on the mark.

When asked about his crush on Kasey, he said the reason he wanted to get married to her was because she is one of his "best,best friends in the whole world!"

He told me Kasey also wants to marry him, too. I asked what he said to her and if I do say so myself, he was super polite. When you see his response, I dare any woman out there to say no to him. I.dare.you! He also mentioned that one of the things he likes best about her is that he's five and she's younger. So, he's on the prowl for a trophy wife already.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Jack on Completing a Task

Age 8: 

On the drive back from Colorado, we were discussing if we should drive straight through. During the discussion, Jack jumped in with, "Me and Dad can finish this greasy pig!"

Jack on Presidential Elections

Age 5:

Me: Jack, do you know who our new President is?
Jack: Who?
Me: It's a man named Barack Obama
Jack: Bark Obamba????
Me: No, Barack Obama.
Jack: Oh. I know how it works to pick the President. Everyone like votes and if they vote no, then they shooted them.
Me: Uh, no. That's not how it works at all.
Jack: Well that was the old way how they did it.
Me: Uh, no.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Jack on What Happens in his Room at Night

Age 4:

Jack on His Haircut

Age 8:

I came home from work the other day and I noticed two things.  Jack had a new haircut, and a new lacrosse defensive pole.
Me: Oh my goodness! You got a haircut.  It looks good.
Jack (holding out his new pole): Look at this.
Me: Oh wow!
Jack (sweeping his hand to feature his new pole like one of the models on the Price is Right would feature a new dishwasher): Actually this is the "goodness"... and this is the "oh wow" (pointing at his head).

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Jack on Injuries

Age 4:

Jack: Um, Daddy? Injuries hurt worse than boo-boos, right?
Jay: Yes.
Jack: Okay, um Daddy? I'm going to give you a hint for a kind of injury, okay?
Jay: Okay.
Jack: The hint is... bloody nose.
Jay: Well, that's not a hint. That's the whole injury.
Jack: Oh.

Jack on Swim Meets

Age 8:

Jack after assessing the kids warming up for a recent swim meet, "Yup, this is for sure amateur hour."

Monday, July 2, 2012

Jack on Boobs

Age 4:
***Mom note: At this age, Jack referred to bras as "boob covers"

"You know moms wear boob covers to stop the boobs from growing bigger, and bigger, and bigger so they don't get too huge. Boobs that are too big make you look fat, right Momma?"

Jack on His Version of Events

Age 8:

Sometimes Jack can put a little different spin on events in order to keep himself out of trouble.  There have been two recent examples of this.

Example 1:
We were walking around the mall the other day and Megan and Jack were a few steps behind me.  I heard Megan squeal, "Jack! Stop it! Ow!" and I asked what happened.  Megan explained that Jack grabbed her arm really hard. When I looked at Jack, he innocently said, "I was just hugging her with my hand."

Example 2:
Jack went to a friend's house the other day to hang out.  This family has a really tiny dog.  It's can fit comfortably in your hands it's so tiny.  The friend's mom told me that Jack was being a bit naughty and was teasing the dog by grabbing at her a little too roughly.  She warned him that the dog might bite him but he didn't listen.  I guess she came around the corner a few minutes later and Jack looked guilty.  She confirmed that the dog did in fact give him a nip.  When we asked Jack about it later, we asked for his version of the events.
Jack: Well, um... we were petting the dog and she seemed to like it.  She was purring.
Me: And by purring, do you mean growling?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Jack on Armpits

Age 4:

"Momma, If you have no arms, you have no armpits, right? Because when you move your arms, that makes your armpits move. So if you don't have arms, you don't need any armpits."

Jack on Abercrombie

Age 8:

We went to the mall yesterday to get Megan some new shorts.  Our last stop was Abercrombie.  I hate that store.  It's too loud. And it smells. And I usually leave with a headache and a sore throat from screaming, "WHAT?!?!" too many times.

Jack had some thoughts about Abercrombie as well...

Thought #1-
Jack: Why do they have a bunch of pictures of guy's abs in here?
Me: I don't know.  Probably because they think it looks sexy.
Jack: (pause) I think they have the wrong idea of what sexy is.

Thought #2-
"If I had the authority, I would put a restraining order on this music."

Megan was taking quite a while so we all started to get a bit restless- Jack in particular.  He came up to me, showed me his closed fist and said, "If Megan's not done in 5 minutes, I'm going to feed her this. It's a knuckle sandwich and she can have it for an appetizer, entree, and a dessert."

Then we just started to get a little slap-happy so here is the video where Jack was acting out how difficult it is to hear in Abercrombie.