Friday, December 27, 2013

Jack on Delegating

Age 10:

Jack: Mom, can you make me a glass of milk?
Me: Isn't dad already in the kitchen making your eggs?
Jack: Yes, but I like to delegate my requests. 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Jack on Displacement

Age 10:

Jack and I were sitting at a stoplight one day. The light turned green but I was distracted and didn't start moving right away. The car behind me started to honk his horn. But it wasn't the kind of honk that says, "Hey, I'm trying to get your attention" it was more of the  "HEY IDIOT MOVE. YOUR. CAR!!!" variety. In my opinion, it was an overly aggressive honk, really. 
Me: Geez. That car is really honking at me. 
Jack: Maybe they weren't honking at you. Maybe they were honking at their demons. 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jack on Nose Picking Techniques

Age 10:

Yesterday was the Winter Program at Jack's school. After school I was telling Jack about this one kid who wouldn't stop picking his nose and eating it throughout the program. 
Me: It was really gross. He wouldn't stop doing it. 
Jack: How was he doing it? 
Me: I don't know. He would pick a little, eat it, pick a little, eat it- over and over again. 
Jack: Oh so he was just chipping at it, he wasn't digging for gold?
Me: ...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Jack on decorating

Age 10:

We drove by a strip mall this morning and chuckled because they had three random wreaths hanging in strange locations. The wreaths were super tiny and just looked odd. Jack took one look at it and said, "To be honest, it makes it look pathetic and like you don't give a crap."

Happy Holidays. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Jack on His Hair

Age 10:

Every morning, I need to spray down Jack's hair.  I'm not sure what happens overnight but in the morning, he usually looks like some variation of the Heat Miser.

This morning, Jack was critiquing his hair and commented, "My hair today is so tall and narrow.  It looks like a can of Coke."

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Jack on Using His Own Money

Age 10:

Jack has been putting together his Christmas list. One of the items on his list is a set of Nike Broncos gloves. The gloves are $100 so we broke it to him that he wouldn't be getting the gloves from us. We suggested that if he reeaaallllly wanted the gloves, that he should pool all his money together and buy them with his own money. Jay then indicated that he didn't think Jack would do it. Any time Jack comes across money, it burns a hole in his pocket so we joked that there was no way Jack could save up enough money to buy them.  Jack looked at us and said, "So you wanna test my moxie?" 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Jack on Instagram

Age 10:

Megan was talking in the car one day about getting likes on her Instagram photos and how some kids get hundreds of likes on boring photos on their accounts. Jack shook his head, turned to Megan and said, "Megan, please tell me this is not the next generation."

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Jack on Notes

Age 10:

Once a week Jack has before school sports where I can drop him off early at school. A few weeks ago I totally spaced out on it and Jack was really bummed out. So the following week he left me a note to remind me.  And then tonight, he left the same note on the counter to once again remind me that he has before school sports tomorrow. When I joked that it looked like we had a recurring note on our hands, Jack replied, "That note keeps the wheels from falling off around here." Touché!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Jack on Braces Removal

Age 10: 
Jack got his braces off today.  As you can see, he's busting with excitement (insert sarcasm here).

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Jack on Attention Spans

Age 9:

Me: Jack, I'm going to Target. 
Jack: Why?
Me: I have to get a lot of stuff there. 
Jack: Like what? 
Me: Like cleaning supplies and... 
Jack: That's okay. You can stop. You bored me already.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Jack on Halloween Candy

Age 10:

I came back from the store with the Halloween candy we are planning to give out. Jack looked at the bag and turned up his nose. 

Me: What?
Jack (sarcastically): Oh yeah. People are really gonna want to come to our house. 
Me: Well I didn't want to buy candy that we would sit around and eat. 
Jack (eye roll): Are we really going to be *those* people???? Really? Are we???

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Jack on Maturity

Age 10:

I walked in on Jack as he was changing his clothes. 

Me: Whoa! Sorry. 
Jack: What?
Me: It's like a nudist colony up in here. 
Jack: Mom. Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure. 
Jack: Part of being mature is not getting all "willy-nilly" about nudity. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Jack on Selecting a Spouse

Age 9:

One day, we got on the subject of picking a spouse. Jack had ideas about what was important. 

"It is important to pick someone with a job so they can be a good backbone for the family. And it's good to not be ugly. Oh, and you should have good in-laws.  That's really important. Because when your husband or wife goes to the bathroom, you have those weird conversations with your in-laws."

So there you have it. A recipe for marital bliss. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

Jack on Birthday Presents

Age 9:

Jack: I want a Ouiji board for my birthday. 
Me: Ugh. No way! They are creepy. 
Jack: But I'd keep it in my room. 
Me: Oh great so all the spirits can come in your room at night through your Ouiji portal??? 
Jack: Mom! It's not a portal. It just allows a crack in the dimension so you can have conversations with the spirit world. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Jack on Girls

Age 9:

Jack was talking about the girls in his class that are popular. He described one girl as a "not nice popular girl".  When I asked him what he meant by that he said, "She's not nice, and she's not good looking.  So it's basically a double negative."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Jack on the Downside of Going Commando

Age 9:

Jack: Mom, I'm going to tell you something that might be kind of inappropriate to talk about.
Me: Okay.
Jack: You know how a lot of my shorts have a string around the waist to make them tighter?
Me: Uh huh.
Jack: Well this pair that I'm wearing now, they are kind of big so the string has a pretty big loop on the inside of my shorts.
Me: Uh huh.
Jack: And what usually happens is the loop gets hooked around my penis and it is kind of annoying.
Me: So you're saying the string on your shorts is actually lassoing your penis?
Jack: Yes!
Me: ...

Monday, October 7, 2013

Jack on Breast Augmentation

Age 9:

This morning as we were driving to school, a breast augmentation commercial came on the radio.
Jack: Did you hear that commercial? What does that mean?
Me: Well, some people want bigger boobs. The procedure to do that is called breast augmentation.
Jack: Like when people put tissue in there to make it look bigger?
Me: Actually, it is a surgery. They cut it open and put a sack with liquid in there and stitch them back up for permanent fake boobs.
Jack(looking horrified): Why would anyone do that!? I mean, big boobs would be annoying. When they are too big they get all jiggly and stuff. And when they wear v-neck shirts they kind of spill out all over the place.
Me: That is called cleavage. I don't know.  Some people like big boobs and think cleavage is sexy. 
Jack: Those people are called Pervs.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Jack on Movies

Age 9:

Jack: Having such sophisticated taste in movies when I am nine really sucks.  I mean, I'm not able to watch any movies from my favorite genre.
Me: ...

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Jack on Teasing

Age 9:

Jack was telling us about a kid in his class who is kind of mean and teases other kids. As an example he told us about something this kid said about him, and the fact that Jack's favorite color is pink. 

Jack: Yeah, he told me that I looked like the gay guy from Survivor. 
(Then we got on a bit of a tangent about how sometimes it is best to ignore the situation, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and in those cases, we would support him.)
Jay: What is this kid's name anyway?
Jack: so-and-so Um. 
Me: His last name is Um????
Jack: Yeah. 
(Jay and I start laughing)
Jack: What?
Me: Oh man, you've got leverage there!
Jay: You have so much material with that. 
Jack: Like what?
Jay: How about "Um....Um.... Hey so-and-so....Um...Um..."  
Jack: I thought of something I could say. 
Me: What is it?
Jack: Well... It has a swear word in it. 
Me: (trying to think what swear word rhymes with Um) Go ahead and say it. 
Jay: Yeah. Go ahead. 
Jack: Okay. How about "Um...You're a dick!"

I guess it is our fault that we have him the okay to say it!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Jack on Accents

Age 9: 

My favorite conversations happen when I'm driving with Jack in the car. I can see the wheels turning in his head as he's thinking about things. One day he asked, "Mom, do you know where I want to raise my kids?" When I suggested Naperville, he told me, "I want to raise them in England. I want my kids to have British accents. People find that to be an attractive feature when people have accents."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Jack on Sex

Age 9:

Jack wandered into my room and told me he had a question.
Me: Okay. What's the question?
Jack: What is a conjugal visit?
Me: When people are in jail, and their husband or wife visit them in prison, and they have sex, it's called a conjugal visit.
Jack (looking embarrassed): Oh okay.
Me: Is that what you thought it was?
Jack: Pretty much. I always know when I ask Dad a question and he tells me to go ask you, that the answer will always have something to do with sex.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Jack on Drugs

Age 9:

Jay and I were talking with Jack about his memory. It's really good-to the point where we turn to Jack and ask for his input and confirmation about facts from past events.
Jay: I always forget how good your memory is.
Me: Me too! Don't do anything to kill your brain cells.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Because it will hurt your memory.
Jack: What kinds of things kill brain cells?
Me: Doing drugs kills brain cells.
Jack: Like cocaine?
Me: That's one kind of drug.
Jack: because it makes you not really want to do anything so you can't remember stuff.
Me: Well,some drugs make you hyper and paranoid...
Jack: Like speed?
Me: uh, yes. And some drugs make you lazy and not care about things...
Jack: Like crack?
Me: Actually crack makes you paranoid.

***I'm not sure if I should be proud, or scared, that he knows about so many drugs.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Jack on Prostitutes

Age 9:

Over the weekend, Jay and Jack were walking around downtown.  They saw a black Lamborghini and Jay made a comment about how that guy must be "big pimpin'".
Jack: What is a pimp?
Jay:  (After explaining that the word can mean a guy who has expensive things or a lot of money) The word pimp also means a person who is the boss of prostitutes.  Do you know what a prostitute is?
Jack: Yeah.  It's a hooker.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Jack on Parenting

Age 9:

Jack: When you were a kid, what was the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Me: Oh I don't know. I had a pretty decent childhood. I guess I would say there were a couple times I got grounded because I had people over at my house when I wasn't supposed to.
Jack: Did you ever have any parties?
Me: Well that's what I meant by having people over.
Jack: It would probably be more fun if you went to a party at someone else's house.
Me: As long as they were allowed to have the party.
Jack: But I think sometimes it's more fun when you aren't supposed to do it. You feel more like a rebel.
Me: You think?
Jack: Yeah. You know... If I wrote a parenting handbook, that's one thing I would put in there. As a parent, you need to figure out a way to let a kid feel like a rebel...without letting them know you actually have them in a chokehold.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Jack on Escaping a Fire

Age 9:

I love conversations kids have while driving in the car. Last week we were stuck in traffic with Megan, her friend, Jack and his friend. Jack's friend started telling a story about a kid in their grade.

Jack's friend: We were talking about if your house was on fire and what you would bring with you. He said he would bring his skateboard FIRST, his cat SECOND, and THEN his mom!
(Kids giggling)
Megan and her friend: That is just mean!
Jack: Well, his mom is probably smart enough to get out on her own.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Jack on Annoying Kids

Age 9:

Jack was telling us about a kid at his school who left used kleenex on his desk last year. When describing him Jack said, "He's a walking pet peeve...That is him in a nutshell. Actually, I'd like to put him in a nutshell and drop kick him."

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Jack on Odd Professions

Age 9:

One day we were driving in the car and Jay brought up a person we know who is a reading specialist.
Jack: What's that?
Jay: Didn't you have someone at your school who pulled kids out of class to work on reading?
Jack: Yes.
Jay: Well, that is a reading specialist.
Jack: Ooohh, I thought you said a BREEDING specialist. And I was going to say, that's an odd profession.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Jack on Annoying His Sister

Age 9:

We were driving around trying to figure out where to eat dinner. We finally all agreed on California Pizza Kitchen but a few minutes later, Jack tried to suggest a different place.

Megan: Jack! Quit trying to rock the boat!
Jack: I'm not trying to rock your boat, Megan. I'm trying to sink it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Jack on Underwear

Age 7:

As we begin another school year, we are now going on two years without Jack wearing underwear (with the exception of compression shorts for sports).  He's pretty much going commando 100% of the time. I basically stopped buying underwear a year ago. Most of the time, I don't really care but in some instances, it does cause an issue- specifically when we are in a store trying on pants. Ugh.  But today I thought about something Jack said when he was seven.

One day, towards the end of summer, I asked him in semi-frustration when he was going to wear underwear again.  He thought about it for a minute and said, "I will once school starts in case I get wedgied."

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Jack on Breath

Age 9:

"Mom. Come here and smell my breath. It smells like apples and meat."

(Note: I was dumb enough to do it and for the record, it did NOT smell like apples and meat.)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Jack on Awkward Moments

Age 9:

I was standing in the kitchen with Jack and as we were talking our dog, George, walked in between Jack's legs and started wagging his tail, hitting Jack's privates.

I tried to ignore it but Jack looked at me and said, "I know this might be awkward but this feels reeeeaaaalllyy good." I wasn't really sure what to say about that so I just rolled my eyes at him and said, "Hey now. It's not a jungle gym down there you know." To which Jack replied, "I know. I thought it was more like a fountain."


Friday, August 16, 2013

Jack on Cologne

Age 9:

One day when we were driving in the car, Jack randomly started talking about what he would name a cologne if he ever had a job where he needed to do that.  After a significant pause for effect, he revealed the name and slogan...

"Damp.  When wet just isn't enough."

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Jack on Astronauts

Age 8:

One day, Megan and Jack were standing in our kitchen and they started discussing life on other planets. 

Jack: Megan, do you believe in aliens? 
Megan: Not the I-come-in-peace kind of aliens but think it could be possible that there is life on other planets. 

Then the discussion turned to how you would actually get to the other planets.

Jack: There would have to be a lot more women astronauts because it would take like 80 lifetimes to get there. 
Me: So are you saying you just need women to keep the population up?? 
Jack: Pretty much.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Jack on Television

Age 9:

Summer is pretty lazy around here.  And it seems like the more free time Jack has, he gets progressively more lazy.

Jack: I kind of like to watch guilty pleasure shows right now.
Jay: Your life is a guilty pleasure.
Jack: I know.  I don't know why but sometimes I just like to watch Dora, or Sid the Science Kid .
Me: <eye roll>

Monday, August 12, 2013

Jack on Electric Cars

Age 9:

As we drove around town this weekend, Jack mentioned that he would like to have an electric car.  When I initially asked why he wanted an electric car, he said he didn't want to waste all his money on gasoline.  Jay then told Jack about the Tesla and about how the car is completely silent as it drives.  Jack looked out the window and thought for a moment and then said, "So if you were going to stalk someone, you'd want that car?"

Not sure why he thought of that but I doubt that is listed as one of the benefits on their marketing materials.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Jack on Marriage

Age 9:

A co-worker of mine sent me a link to this article and mentioned that it made her think of Jack.  So then I decided to ask him a few questions and here are his answers:

Me: What do you do on a date? 
Jack: Eat foreign cuisine.

Me: When is it okay to kiss someone?
Jack: When you have correct mood lighting. And good scenery. Then you give them a look, lean in, and you know...hopefully they don't have pepper spray.

Me: How would you make a marriage work? 
Jack: Go on dates again. It improves your interest in each other.

Me: What's the best thing about being married?
Jack: You always have someone there to do things with and to make you feel good when you feel empty inside. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Jack on Employee Hiring Advice

Age 9:

Jay is in the process of interviewing new teachers.  Jack overheard us talking about it the other day, came into the room, and provided this nugget of advice.  "I'm gonna give you some advice about teachers. Us kids like your Average Joe... or someone peppy and with pizzazz. But in this economy, you probably won't find it."

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Jack on What Happens to Kids Whose Parents Don't Harp on Them Constantly About Stuff

Age 9:

Jay and I were harping on Jack last night about him taking more responsibility for reading and writing, and consistently bathing. He got upset and let us know that we were making him feel like he wasn't good enough.

Jay explained that we set high expectations because we love him and want him to grow up to be a responsible adult and it may mot seem like it but we do that because we love him. Jay also mentioned there are kids out there whose parents don't take the time to do that to which Jack replied, "Yeah, those are the kids that grow up to work at Portillos as adults..."

Monday, April 15, 2013

Jack on Rephrasing Things

Age 9:

Yesterday we ran to Target and as we walked into the store, Megan was leap-frogging over the giant cement red balls in front of the store.
Megan: I love these balls!
Jack: Mom, if I were you, I'd tell her she should think about how she phrases that.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Jack on Context

Age 9:

While we were on vacation, Jay rented a bike and went for a long ride. I was driving with Megan and Jack and we spotted Jay on the road. As we passed him, I rolled down my window and yelled out, "Hey good looking!!!"

Jack: Is that one of your favorite phrases?
Me: Hey good looking? Why? Do I say that a lot?
Jack: Kinda. Is that a phrase you picked up during your more sexual time?
Me: What???
Jack: During your more sexual time...
Me: I'm not even sure I know what you mean by that.
Jack: (sigh and eye roll) Just look for the clues in the context.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Jack on What is Wrong With America's Youth

Age 9:

The other day we took the kids to their parent teacher conferences. All the meetings were back-to-back so we took Jack with us while we met with Megan's teachers. As we were waiting for one of her teachers to arrive, we were hanging out in the hallway and Megan's boyfriend walked by. They looked at each other and got a little flustered but didn't even say hello to each other.

Me (to Jay): You know that kid was Megan's boyfriend.
Jay (to Megan): Seriously?!?! You didn't even say hello to him. Should we say hello to his mom and introduce ourselves?
Megan (looking horrified): Noooooo!
Jack: That's the problem with America's youth today. They need apps to communicate to each other.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Jack on the World's Population

Age 9:

"If there was someone out there who tried to make everyone e-mortal* that would be stupid. You want to know why? Because then the world would become overpopulated."

*he meant immortal, not "e-mortal"

Friday, February 22, 2013

Jack on What a Girl Wants

Age 9:

While Jack claims he's not "into" girls yet, it is pretty obvious that he's been a little sociologist lately, observing the preferences of the girls around him. Yesterday he shared his latest theory with me.

Jack: Uh, Mom?
Me: Yes?
Jack: Do you want me to share a theory with you?
Me: Sure.
Jack: Okay. I don't know why I came up with this logical theory but I think girls like tall guys over short guys. Like if there is a good looking short guy, and a mediocre tall guy, girls will usually pick the mediocre tall guy. This is just my observation.
Me: Huh. You think so huh?
Jack: Yes. And also, I think a typical short blond girl likes a tall guy...typically a tall blond girl likes a guy the same height...
(Long pause)
And a black-haired girl likes an athletic guy...and a brown-haired girl wants a funny guy...
(Another long pause)
And a red-haired person just wants a nice guy.
Me: How do you know?
Jack: I'm pretty good at reading people.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Jack on Mass Appeal

Age 9:

We usually like to watch the show Amazing Race as a family. Last season, the teams were racing through Indonesia and one team was mad that their taxi driver didn't speak English. Jack turned to us and said, "They don't even realize that the mass appeal doesn't speak any English."

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Jack on Eating

Age 9:

Usually when I unpack Jack's lunch after school, there is nothing left. One day I noticed he didn't eat his jello so I asked him why he didn't eat it. Jack looked at me and said, "We only have 15 minutes to eat lunch. Who can eat lunch in 15 minutes?!?! Kobyashi...yes.!!"

Friday, February 8, 2013

Jack on How to Argue

Age 9:

I was discussing with Jack how to have a productive argument with someone.  He chimed in with this...

"Can I give you a strategy? First, say a statement about what she does wrong.  And then if she says something about it, then tell her another thing she does wrong. And then if she says something else, then tell her another thing. That’s how I’d do it."

Something tells me he might be sleeping on the couch a lot in his adult married life if he keeps up those tactics!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Jack on Closure

Age 9:

Jack was laying around one day and wanted to watch movie and asked if he could. I said it was okay and as we searched for the movie he explained, "I don't know why I want to watch it but people keep talking about it and I feel like I need to watch it to get some closure."

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Jack on Planning a Little too Far Ahead

Age 9:

One day while driving in the car with Jack, I asked, "Where do you think you will you live when you get older? Do you think you would want to live in Naperville as an adult?"
Jack: Well, it depends on how it is when I grow up. It could be that it's not that nice of a place to live anymore. You know, there was a murder here a while ago so, you know.
Me: Yeah, I guess that is pretty far in the future and a lot could happen between now and then.
Jack (after a long pause): I'd probably sell the house if we didn't live here though.
Me:What house?
Jack: Your house.
Me: Why would you sell my house??!! I'd sell my house. Not you.
Jack: But if it's in your will...
Me: So you think we will be dead?!?!
 Jack: I'm not trying to be rude. But I'm just saying, at least I have a plan.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Jack on Horror Movies

Age 9:

Jack: You know what makes a good horror movie? I know even though I've never seen one.
Me: Oh really? What?
Jack: A good horror movie usually has a person that is making bad decisions and that's why they get killed. For example, if there are two rooms and one is loud and the other is quiet, that person probably goes in the quiet room.
Me: And that is where they get murdered?
Jack: Yes.
Me: So you'd probably survive if you were in a horror movie?
Jack: Yeah. I'd probably live...or I'd be the last one killed.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Jack on His Dental Work

Age 9:

Jack has braces. He got them a few months ago and he used to have a front tooth that was twisted sideways. Jack referred to it as his "snaggletooth". I noted one day that his tooth was straightened out.
Me: Can you believe it is so straight? Jack: I kind of miss my snaggletooth. Me: You do? Why?
Jack: it used to be a good conversation starter.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jack on Knowing His Sister

Age 7:

After Megan claimed to be too hurt to help clean out the car, Jack said, "Megan, I've known you my whole life... and I'm not buying it!"

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Jack on Getting Along With Siblings

Age 7:

One morning Megan and Jack were arguing. 
Me: You guys are supposed to love each other unconditionally.
Jack: Not during childhood.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Jack on His Brain

Age 7:

"You may think that all I think about is Wii and Legos, but my brain is actually a complex steel-trap of math."

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Jack on Lacrosse

Age 9:

Jack was recapping his lacrosse game for us..."I was guarding this guy, and he said 'I'm not sharing dinner' which, I have no idea what that means. Then he grabbed my face mask and threw me down on the ground. So I kicked up my legs and flipped him over and told him, 'eat that'!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Jack on Our Toilet

Age 9:

Jack called downstairs to me this morning.
Jack: Mom????
Me: What?
Jack: The toilet is clogged!
Me: Okay. I will come up and fix it.
Jack: Oh. One other thing...
Me: Yeah?
Jack: I have diarrhea.
Me: Great.

Happy Saturday!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Jack on TV

Age 9:

We were flipping through the channels and kept coming across shows that had inappropriate references to sex. Jack turned to us and said, "We just can't get away from the sex."