Sunday, October 27, 2013

Jack on Halloween Candy

Age 10:

I came back from the store with the Halloween candy we are planning to give out. Jack looked at the bag and turned up his nose. 

Me: What?
Jack (sarcastically): Oh yeah. People are really gonna want to come to our house. 
Me: Well I didn't want to buy candy that we would sit around and eat. 
Jack (eye roll): Are we really going to be *those* people???? Really? Are we???



Saturday, October 26, 2013

Jack on Maturity

Age 10:

I walked in on Jack as he was changing his clothes. 

Me: Whoa! Sorry. 
Jack: What?
Me: It's like a nudist colony up in here. 
Jack: Mom. Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure. 
Jack: Part of being mature is not getting all "willy-nilly" about nudity. 


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Jack on Selecting a Spouse

Age 9:

One day, we got on the subject of picking a spouse. Jack had ideas about what was important. 

"It is important to pick someone with a job so they can be a good backbone for the family. And it's good to not be ugly. Oh, and you should have good in-laws.  That's really important. Because when your husband or wife goes to the bathroom, you have those weird conversations with your in-laws."

So there you have it. A recipe for marital bliss. 

Monday, October 21, 2013

Jack on Birthday Presents

Age 9:

Jack: I want a Ouiji board for my birthday. 
Me: Ugh. No way! They are creepy. 
Jack: But I'd keep it in my room. 
Me: Oh great so all the spirits can come in your room at night through your Ouiji portal??? 
Jack: Mom! It's not a portal. It just allows a crack in the dimension so you can have conversations with the spirit world. 
Me:...


Sunday, October 13, 2013

Jack on Girls

Age 9:

Jack was talking about the girls in his class that are popular. He described one girl as a "not nice popular girl".  When I asked him what he meant by that he said, "She's not nice, and she's not good looking.  So it's basically a double negative."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Jack on the Downside of Going Commando

Age 9:

Jack: Mom, I'm going to tell you something that might be kind of inappropriate to talk about.
Me: Okay.
Jack: You know how a lot of my shorts have a string around the waist to make them tighter?
Me: Uh huh.
Jack: Well this pair that I'm wearing now, they are kind of big so the string has a pretty big loop on the inside of my shorts.
Me: Uh huh.
Jack: And what usually happens is the loop gets hooked around my penis and it is kind of annoying.
Me: So you're saying the string on your shorts is actually lassoing your penis?
Jack: Yes!
Me: ...

Monday, October 7, 2013

Jack on Breast Augmentation

Age 9:

This morning as we were driving to school, a breast augmentation commercial came on the radio.
Jack: Did you hear that commercial? What does that mean?
Me: Well, some people want bigger boobs. The procedure to do that is called breast augmentation.
Jack: Like when people put tissue in there to make it look bigger?
Me: Actually, it is a surgery. They cut it open and put a sack with liquid in there and stitch them back up for permanent fake boobs.
Jack(looking horrified): Why would anyone do that!? I mean, big boobs would be annoying. When they are too big they get all jiggly and stuff. And when they wear v-neck shirts they kind of spill out all over the place.
Me: That is called cleavage. I don't know.  Some people like big boobs and think cleavage is sexy. 
Jack: Those people are called Pervs.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Jack on Movies

Age 9:

Jack: Having such sophisticated taste in movies when I am nine really sucks.  I mean, I'm not able to watch any movies from my favorite genre.
Me: ...