Saturday, December 20, 2014

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Jack on Christmas Carols

Age 11:

On the ride to school today, Jack and I listened to Christmas carols. I commented how I loved listening to Christmas music. 

Jack: I don't really like it. They just repeat the same music over and over again.

Me: Yes but they only play it for one month a year. How can you not like it? Doesn't hearing your favorite Christmas song make you feel nostalgic?

Jack: Mom. I'm only eleven. I don't have much to be nostalgic about. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Jack on Bengals Fans

Age 11:

We spent the weekend in Ohio with some friends and went to the Bengals game. It was a lot of fun and as one might expect, the game provided ample opportunitities for people watching. 

A couple sitting a few rows in front of Jack did not want to sit down. They stood most of the first half. And they were overly affectionate, hugging and basically making out. After standing for a while so he could see the game, Jack was hoping to sit down. He turned to Jay and said, "Now if we could just get 'PDA' over there to sit down, we'd be all set."

The guy next to me was a bit of a disaster. He clearly had been tailgating a bit too long. He arrived at his seat with an egg sandwich and a mixed drink. Within minutes, he dropped egg onto the seat in front of him, and spilled his drink everywhere. He left to get a beer and came back. Jack and I switched seats so he could see the game around 'PDA' but wanted to switch back after a moment because the guy kept spilling his beer on Jack.  Midway through the first quarter, they guy left and was never seen from again. We told Jack we should switch seats again so he could see. He declined the offer claiming, "Nah. Because I will move over there and then 'Spillsner' will come back and spill his beer all over my new shoes."

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Jack on Tastebuds

Age 11:

We took the kids to a Spanish tapas restaurant that we love. It was their first time there and they weren't sure what to order so Jay and I ordered a variety of dishes for them to try.  One of the things we ordered was paella, of which Jack was not a fan. 

Jay: There are certain foods in life that are universally accepted as good food. Paella is one of those dishes. So you may not like it now, but you should work toward that. 
Jack: Dad, what you don't understand is I have second degree child tastebuds right now. Once I get a bit older, then I will be like, PEANUTS! SUSHI! BANANAS! PAELLA!***

(*** Those are foods Jack doesn't like)

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Jack on Clothes

Age 11:

Jack came downstairs this morning and was pretty chipper. Jay commented, "You've got a little spring in your step this morning!"

Jack replied, "Yeah, I'm going commando. "

????

Monday, November 17, 2014

Jack on Stereotyping

Age 11:

Me: How many kids at your school eat the hot lunch, percentage-wise. 

Jack: Probably about a third of the kids. And half of those kids think it is disgusting, and the other half love it. [insert eye roll]. But those are the kids who like Adam Sandler, and think McDonald's is delicious. 

Me:...
 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Jack on Being a Good Host

Age 11:

Jack and a friend were hanging out at our house. Jay was asking about what they might want to drink and started listing the drinks available. Jack interrupted Jay, turned to his friend and said, "If you have a craving for something let me know and I will supply it."

Friday, October 24, 2014

Jack on Giving Great Advice

Age 11:

A friend/co-worker had a death in her family this week.  The wake was today and I fully intended to go but then Jack woke up with a fever and stayed home from school.  I explained my dilemma to Jack asked him if he would be okay staying home by himself for a bit or if he would rather I stay home with him since he wasn't feeling well.  I always knew he was a sensitive kid but he reinforced it with me today by his response.

Jack: It's fine if you go.
Me: Are you sure? I feel bad not going but if you don't feel well, I can stay home with you.
Jack: Mom... It's fine.  You should go.  Really.  The truth is...It is always better to be one of the only people to show up to those things than to be one of the only people who doesn't show up.

That could be some of the best advice I've ever been given.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Jack on Being Related

Age 10:

Last week we had Parent Teacher Conferences. During our discussion it came up how some teachers recognize Jack as Megan's brother. 

Megan: How do they know we are related?

Jack: Well, because if you think about it, if you took off all our hair and stuff, we basically have the exact same face. 


Saturday, October 11, 2014

Jack on Beer Bottles

Age 10:

On the way home from football practice, Jack and I stopped to pick up dinner. While we were waiting, Jack ordered a Goose Island root beer to drink. After a few sips, he posed this question, "When you drink beer, do you hold it from the snout or the whole body?" 

I asked, "Do you mean do I hold the bottom part of the bottle when I drink? I think most people hold it from the bottom."

He grabbed the top of the bottle and took a sip and I said, " You hold the snout?"

He replied, "Yeah I'm gonna go whole hog on that. "


Monday, September 8, 2014

Jack on Relaxation

Age 10:

We got into a conversation with a friend about how our dog eats socks. 
Jack: I'm pretty good about not leaving socks around. 
Me (getting whiplash from turning my head so fast): Are you kidding me??? And by "pretty good" do you mean horrible? Do you know how many pairs of your socks I've found stuffed into our couch cushions?
Family friend to Jack: How do the socks get into the couch?
Jack: Well, in order to achieve total relaxation, one must remove their socks. 

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Jack on Costco

Age 10: 

Jay and Jack went to a few stores looking for a new bike for Jack. They didn't have much luck at the first couple places so in desperation, Jay asked Jack if he thought Costco might have bikes.  Jack said, "If they do, they are probably low quality...or they sell them in packs of six."

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Jack on the Game With the Claw

Age 10:

(As relayed to me by Jay)

Jay and Jack went to dinner with a family friend of ours. While they waited for their food, the friend's son wanted to play the game where you drag the claw to hover over a bunch of prizes. If you aren't familiar with the game, there is a controller to move the claw and once you have it where you want, you press a button and the claw drops down to attempt to grab one of the prizes. 

Our friend's son asked his mom for some money to play the game. As she took money out of her wallet, she asked Jack if he wanted some money to play, too. 

Jack stated matter of factly, "No thanks.  You can never win anything playing that game. I will just stand there and watch him lose all his money. "

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Jack on Being a Foodie

Age 10:

We are having guests this weekend and Jay and I were discussing the food plans.  Jay mentioned making appetizers of garlic bread with marinara and goat cheese, and also having some salami and cheese available. 

Jack heard us talking about it, came into the room and said, "So you are going to have an afternoon charcuterie available?"


Friday, August 1, 2014

Jack on Guys

Age 10:

Jay was discussing how women and men interact socially in different ways. 

Jay mentioned an example of playing a bags game...guys who don't know each other will start playing the game and get to know each other as they play. Girls, in general , would like to spend an hour getting to know each other before they play the game. 

Jack said, "So guys are kind of like gorillas then?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Jack on Titanic

Age 10:

Jack was talking to me tonight about the movie Titanic and his philosophy about why Jack Dawson actually died. "The girl on the raft was really just selfish. That's why he died. I mean, that driftwood was big enough for both of them but she just hogged it."

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Jack on Farts

Age 10:

Driving to school this morning, Jack was pretending he was trying hard to fart to annoy his sister. I cautioned him, "Careful now. You don't want to end up pooping your pants."  He replied, "It's okay Mom. I prefer to drop my 'kids' off at the pool, not in a dark alley."


Sunday, April 27, 2014

Jack on Friendship

Age 10:

Jack has a recurring catch phrase- "No offense..." And whenever he says it, it usually is followed by something that actually is, well, offensive. The other morning after I took our dog, George for a run, I told Jack that I thought I was George's favorite. 
Me: I think George loves me the best. I am the only one in this family who takes him out for exercise. 
Jack: Mom, no offense but well, you know how when you have a rich friend that you don't like that much but you still keep hanging out with them anyway just because they have money?
Me: Uh, yeah I guess...
Then Jack just shrugged his shoulders and looked at me as if to indicate that apparently I'm George's rich friend. 

Friday, April 25, 2014

Jack on Fashion

Age 10:

One day Jack asked me if it was comfortable to wear a dress. After I shared the pros and cons, he thought about it for a moment. 
Jack: Everything I wear is comfortable. 
Me: Well all you wear is t-shirts and lacrosse shorts. Of course you are comfortable 24/7. 
Jack: Why would anyone wear something that wasn't confortable??? 
Me: Ummm...I don't know...FASHION??
Jack: I don't need fashion. I've got swagger. Screw fashion. 

Jack on Big Papi

Age 10:

Jack and I were discussing how athletic you actually need to be to play baseball. 
Me: I think baseball is more a game of skill than actually requiring you to be athletic. 
Jack: Why do you say that?
Me: Well you don't have to be super fast to run the bases...hmmm...I guess maybe it would be helpful to be fast. 
Jack: Yeah. You know Big Papi?
Me: Yes. 
Jack: Well he was like, what...250 pounds and he could get around those bases. 
(Pause)
Jack: I'm not saying he's like lightening or anything but he could get that big butt of his around the bases. 
Me:...

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Jack on Hot Girls

Age 10:

Yesterday we spent the afternoon in Seaside, FL. On our way home, Jack shared some of his observations. 

Jack: Mom, did you notice that most of the groups of kids had like three guys surrounded by 20 girls?
Me: I didn't really notice that. 
Jack: That could be awkward. 
Me: Why?
Jack: Because the guys might get too much attention. 
Me: I would think that would be most guys dream scenario! 
Jack: Yeah, maybe. But it could also be hard if you and your friend go after the same girl. 
(Long pause)
Jack: I think the best way to get the hottest girls is to date lots of girls. Start with a girl whose a 5, then date a 7, move to an 8 then you can date a girl who is a 10. And then everyone will know you can get a 10 so you can keep dating 10's. 
Me: Maybe. But have you ever heard the phrase, "Birds of a feather flock together"?
Jack: No. 
Me: Well it means that in general, people date people who are similar to themselves. 
(Another pause)
Jack: So in other words, you need to be a 10 to date a 10? 
Me: Uh, I guess that's another way to put it. 
(Long pause)
Me: What about your two crushes. How would you rate them. Do you think they are 10's?
Jack: Mom. This is embarrassing. 
Me: Why?
Jack: I'm  not sure I want to discuss it. 
Me: Just tell me. 
Jack: Well,  I can't really say what number they are. 
Me: Why not?
Jack: Well, they uh, don't have the...uh, "parts" yet that would make them a 10. You know what I mean?
Me: Yes. Yes, I do. 


Sunday, March 30, 2014

Jack on Jellyfish

Age 10:

This week we are on spring break. A bunch of the boys went to the beach to play in the ocean. The dad in charge startle joking with the boys about what to do if they were to get stung by a jellyfish. 
Him: So you guys know what to do if you get stung by a jellyfish?
Boys: You pee on it!
Him: Okay, so you need to pick a buddy. If you get stung, you need to pick a friend who will pee on you. 
(Boys take turns saying who their pee buddy would be.)
Him: Jack, who would you pick?
Jack: I pick myself. 
Him: What about if you get stung on your shoulder?
Jack: I have extreme accuracy.


Friday, March 14, 2014

Jack on Beer

Age 10:

Jack: Mom? You know what I've learned during my short existence?
Me: What?
Jack: Well, I used to think beers like Bud Light and Miller Lite were good beer.  But really, in the world of beers, those are just crap.
Me: ...

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Jack on XBox and Watching TV

Age 10:

The kids had the day off on Friday.  Jack came downstairs and immediately turned on the XBox and started gaming away.
Me: So how many hours of XBox and TV watching do you think you will end up doing today?
Jack: I don't know.
Me (sarcastically): Do you think it will be over 10 hours, or under 10 hours?
Jack: I'd say just under 10 hours.
Me: Really?
Jack: Yeah, just under 10.  What did you think?  I was going to go whole hog on that?

Friday, February 28, 2014

Jack on Dating Sites

Age 10:

Jack: Hey Mom?
Me: Yeah.
Jack: If you were going to make a dating website for old people, what would you call it?
Me: I don't know.
Jack: I'd call it "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Jack on Third Person References

Age 10:

Jay referred to himself in the third person. As in "Daddy doesn't like..."
To which Jack chimed in with, "As a general rule, you shouldn't refer to yourself as 'daddy'".

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Jack on Supermoms

Age 10:

Jack went to a sleepover last night and was telling us about it. To give some context, the mom of his friend is one of those moms who is super-involved, super-creative and super-friendly. Basically, she's my polar opposite. 

Me: I like your friend a lot. He's a good kid. And I like his mom a lot, too. She's great. 
Jack: She's kind of like a Supermom. 
Me: I know! She kind of makes me look bad. 
Jack: Oh no Mom. No she doesn't...Only you can do that. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Jack on How to Get On His Sister's Nerves

Age 10:

Every morning it's the same. We leave the house, the kids scream "SHOTGUN!", race to the car and then fight over who got to the front seat faster. I generally try to tune them out. This morning Megan kept complaining from the back seat.
Megan: This back seat doesn't even have heated seats. 
Jack: So?
Megan: So, you don't even use heated seats in the front.  
Jack: So?
Megan: Well it's a waste to have you sit up there if you aren't even going to use the heated seats. My seat is so cold back here and I...
Jack:  (interrupting her): Sounds like you are having First World Problems. 
Megan: No. I'm just having a turd for a brother. 

Happy Monday everyone!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Jack on the Best Way to Make a Decision

Age 10:

Around Christmas, Jack was trying to decide which football jersey he should add to his list. After much deliberation, Jack told us his selection. 
Jay: Are you sure you want that one? 
Jack: Argh!
Jay: What?
Jack: Now you are making me second guess myself. 
He waited a moment and then started walking towards the bathroom. 
Jack: I'm just going to go poop on it. 
Me: Uh excuse me????
Jack: I mean I'm going to go crap on it. 
Me:...

I guess that is where he does his best thinking. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Jack on His Gift Giving Abilities

Age 10:

Jack is going to a birthday party this weekend. I asked him what he should get his friend for a gift. His response? "I don't know exactly and I'm a terrible gift giver anyway."

Very well then. Gift card it is. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Jack on Open House

Age 10: 

Tonight is Open House night at Jack's school. He has a conflict with lacrosse so he can't go. 
Me: So you are going to miss Open House, huh?
Jack: Yeah. 
Me: Is there anything interesting there to see? Should I go alone and check it out?
Jack: Well, I know you don't really want to go, and I don't care if you go, but I feel like you should go so they don't think you are horrible parents. 

I'm going to Open House. 


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Jack on Being Respectful of Teachers

Age 10:

It was so cold out one day that I picked up Jack from his bus stop so he wouldn't have to walk back to the house. Even in this frigid cold, Jack wears shorts. It's a battle I lost a long time ago and I figure if he gets cold enough, he'll figure it out. But on this day, he got off the bus wearing his snow pants. 
Me: So, you finally got cold enough to put on your snow pants, huh?
Jack: No. My teacher made me put them on. I told her I take the bus but she was like, "What happens if the bus breaks down?"  And you know what Mom?
Me: What?
Jack: If I didn't like her that much, or respect her or whatever, when she asked what would I do if the bus broke down, I would have said, "Well then I will take my snow pants out of my backpack and put them on."

Touché. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Jack on Gym

Age 10:

Jack: Today in gym we played hockey but you know what?
Me: What?
Jack: Our gym teacher told us that there was no checking. Can you believe that? No checking!
Me: Well maybe he just didn't want anyone to get hurt. Were you bummed out that you weren't able to showcase your mad skills?
Jack: Yeah. I could have given them some tasty licks. 
Me: Wha???