Thursday, October 22, 2015

Jack on Tramp Stamps

Age 11:

Jack and I went out to dinner the other night and our conversation turned to the topic of genetics. I was explaining how it works- how everything about you is a product of what genes have been passed on to you. 
Me: Your genes determine your eye color, hair color, even small things like, if you have a widow's peak in your hairline. 
Jack: How about birthmarks? Those too?
Me: Well, not exactly but your skin color is...and if you have freckles or not. 
Jack: Oh. I was wondering because I was looking in the mirror one day and noticed the birthmark I have on my lower back. Did you know I have a birthmark on my lower back?
Me: Yeah. I've seen it. 
Jack:  When I saw it I was like, I have a tramp stamp birthmark on my lower back. 
Me: (giggling)
Jack: No. Mom. I LITERALLY have a tramp stamp birthmark. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Jack on Track Records

Age 11:

A week ago, Jack was accused of bullying a kid in his gym class.  We knew this accusation was out of character for Jack so Jay dug into it a bit. Ultimately, it turned out the other kid made a false accusation. Tonight I asked Jack about it. 

Me: So I heard you got your name cleared. 
Jack: Yeah. 
Me: How do you feel about that?
Jack (shrugging his shoulders): Fine. I mean, I don't feel different than I did before. Let's face it, that kid has a track record of making false accusations, and I have a track record of being awesome. 

We are working on his self-esteem. 

Monday, September 21, 2015

Jack on His Life Experience

Age 11:

In all my years of experience, you know what I've learned? It's not a good idea to park a big white van right next to a school. 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Jack on Assigned Seats

Age 11:

After a great first day of middle school, Jack came home on the second day discouraged after finding out his classes would have assigned seats.  We let him pout about it for a bit and then he seemed to let it go. 

After a couple more days, I checked with him to see how he was feeling about it. 

Me: So, are you getting to be friends with any of the kids sitting near you in class?

Jack: No. 

He paused for a moment before continuing on, his voice now dripping with sarcasm. 

Jack: But you know what is awesome about assigned seats? In my one class, someone carved a penis into the desk.   Yeah. A PENIS. And it's not just drawn on there. It is carved into it. 

Me: Seriously?

Jack: Uh huh. And it's not even a good one. It's shaped all weird and the penis is all bent.  And I can't even sit comfortably at the desk because I have to put my arms at weird angle to cover it up. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Jack on Changing Clothes

Age 11:

"I'm going to go change my clothes...but not my winning personality."

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Jack on What I Can Handle

Age 11:

After eating out one night, the waiter asked if we wanted dessert. I posed the question to the table, "Can you handle dessert?"  Jack replied, "I think the question is...can your wallet handle dessert?"  

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Jack on Celebrity Friendships

Age 11:

Jack and I were discussing movies we wanted to see and we landed on the movie Paper Towns. I mentioned to Jack I thought the female lead in the movie was friends with Kendall Jenner***. Jack mused, "It can't hurt to be friends with a famous person." 

We talked for a moment about how there may certainly be some perks to being friends with a celebrity before Jack reconsidered and said, "You know, on second thought, it could hurt to be friends with Chris Brown."


 ***No judgement please. I do realize it is really weird that a woman of my age knows a fact like that but just go with it. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Jack oh His Sales Pitch

Age 11:

Jack really wants an air rifle. He played with one at a friend's house and has been begging for one ever since. The other day we were killing time in Dick's and he brought me over to see the air rifle selection. And then he started rattling off all the reasons why he should get one. Among my favorites were:

"The bullets won't actually hurt anyone." 
"I won't point it at any windows."
"If I use it inappropriately, you can take it away."

After I still said no, he shook his head and said, "C'mon! I could sell a blind man glasses with that pitch."

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Jack on Silverware

Age 11:

At a restaurant and Jack is unwrapping his napkin. "This is like the third time this week that I've unwrapped my napkin and a knife has fallen on my balls. It's a good thing it was the dull end."

Jack on Roller Coasters

Age 11:

"My general rule is if I'm 500 feet away, and I can hear people screaming, that ride probably isn't for me."

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Jack on Packing for Camp

Age 11:

Jack is going to an overnight lacrosse camp for the first time.  I was going through some of the items he packed. Most of it was what you would expect but then I came across his crumber. 

I asked him, "A crumber??? Why are you bringing a crumber?"

He replied, "I don't know. It just felt natural."

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Jack on Self-Reflection

Age 11:

Jack: Mom, you want to know something weird about me?
Me: Sure. 
Jack: You know at the end of the movie Breakfast Club when the guy is walking away and puts his hand up?
Me: Yes. Judd Nelson?
Jack: Yeah. Well the weird thing is sometimes when someone say hi or bye to me, I do that move and wave without turning around. 
Me: I don't think that is weird. 
Jack: You don't? Do you do that?
Me: I've been known to do it. 

Jack on Eye Contact

Age 11:

Jack was running late this morning getting ready so I called out to him and asked when he was going to get moving. 
He jumped off the couch and headed upstairs. As he walked by me, he asked, "Why are you looking at me like that? Your eyes are so resentful."

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Jack on Cell Phones

Age 11:

We were talking about our community pool and how Jack is old enough to ride his bike there with friends this summer. 

Me: You could basically text your friends and see if they want to meet you at the pool whenever. Do your friends have phones?

Jack: Only a few.  The rest are aspiring to get one. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Jack on Generations

Age 11:

We were discussing different generations and their names (Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millenials, etc.). 

Jack: I think my generation is lame. 
Me: Why do you say that?
Jack: We haven't  accomplished anything. 
Me: Yeah but you guys are too young to have done much of anything, yet. But I expect big things from your generation! 
Jack: Why?
Me: Because you all have grown up with amazing technology and are learning how to research solutions to problems and things like that. Once you all grow up, you will probably invent amazing things. 
Jack: I think the greatest generation will be the one that figures out world peace. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Jack on Needing Parents

Age 11:

Jay: Do you acknowledge the fact that you need parental guidance? 

Jack: Yeah I'm 11 so... Yeah, I need parental guidance. If I didn't, I'd have my own apartment and be working a job. 

Monday, February 23, 2015

Jack on Group Project Members

Age 11:

Jack was talking about group projects at school and how some members of the group participate more than others.  He said this about one of the kids who was really into the project, "He's like a lawnmower.  Just rev him up and let him go."

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Jack on Fashion Advice

Age 11:

We were discussing uniforms while watching basketball.

Jay: I like those uniforms. 

Me: I don't like the pinstripes. 

Jack: You can't go wrong with a nice argyle. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Jack on The Big Sex Talk

Age 11:

Tonight Jack's school district ran a program through the Robert Crown Center to talk to all fifth-graders about the beginning of life also known as The Sex Talk.

Now in our family, anything remotely having to do with sex is my department. Jay normally stays as far away from that stuff as possible. But he was talking to a coworker today and they seem surprised that I was going to go with Jack instead of him. So he called and we were talking on the phone about if it made sense for me to really go. I jokingly made the comment, "I'm fine going. Maybe I'll learn something." 

I looked over just in time to see Jack give a huge eye roll. After I hung up with Jay, I asked Jack, "What? You don't think that was funny?"

He replied, "It would have been funny...if you weren't my mom."

On the way to the program, Jack asked, "Will they cover the whole process? Or just parts of it?"

I told him I thought they would cover the body parts, and detail on how the baby grows and is born, but they would likely leave out the part on the specifics as far as how you actually "make" the baby.

Jack was a little disappointed and commented, "They should tell you the whole thing. Don't leave out the middleman!"

Once we arrived at the facility, Jack sat down next to a friend of his. The friend's dad leaned over and said to Jack, "I'm predicting if they ask for questions, you will raise your hand."

Without skipping a beat Jack replied, "No. I think I have everything well in hand."  

I just looked at the dad and shrugged my shoulders. What do you say at that point??


Leaving the facility I asked Jack what he thought. His reply? "Truly moving and inspiring."

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Jack on Commercials

Age 11:

Watching the Super Bowl with Jack and the Fiat commercial came on.

Jay: do you know what that blue pill is?
Jack: Uh, steroids?
Me: No. It's Viagra. 
Jay: Do you know what Viagra is?
Jack: Uh, stuff to make your erection last longer?
Me & Jay: *giggle giggle*

I guess the marketing from those Viagra and cialis commercials have sunk in. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Jack on How to Use Hashtags

Age 11:

Jack: Mom. I meant to tell you this yesterday. I was on the toilet playing with my phone and I dropped it. 
Me: Did you drop it in the toilet???
Jack: Well, when I dropped it, my legs were together so I caught it between my thighs. 
Me: You got lucky there!
Jack: Yeah... Hashtag Blessed. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Jack on Beauty Pageants

Age 11:

"You know what I think is funny?  How pageants pretend to judge all aspects of a person: their looks, their smarts, and their personality when it's obvious they only are judging the looks."

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Jack on Short Shorts

Age 11:

"I hate when people* wear super short shorts. It's like, do society a favor, would ya?"  

*although Jack said people, he was actually referring to men in particular. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Jack on Poop

Age 11:

Jack came home from school and informed me of the following...

"I'm going to go to head into the bathroom. I have to go pee.. and I also have to go number two...I like to call that a number three."


He was in there for a while.  I called out, "Everything okay in there?"  Jack called back, "It's a struggle in here!  I am now doing what I refer to as a 'spread formation'".

And finally...

When he came out, he wiped his brow and stated, "That turd put up a fight.  I can't blame it for not wanting to leave my body though."

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Jack on Hawaii

Age 11:

Over the holiday break, we vacationed in Hawaii. We had a great time and Jack fell in love with guava juice. He had it every chance he could.  He was sad to leave it so we promised when we got back home, we would try to find some guava juice to keep him satisfied. 

Today, Jay and Jack were running errands and Jay asked Jack if he wanted to stop at Whole Foods to look for guava juice.

Jack replied, "My mentality towards guava juice pretty much goes like this... what happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii…"